it does make sense then i figured out it still doesnt answer my question. 

what im trying to say is, is there anything that you really want in life. i don't know how to put it, its not really that much of a tough question but right now i ask myself what do i really want and i don't know whats the answer to that. its like im living my life like on a daily basis. i wonder if i do die ( touchwood ) accidentally or before my time, is there anything that i will regret for not doing?

today i finished watching star no koi ( love of a star, or rather love of a celebrity ). i find the show rather interesting, because in reality i know this kind of fantasy/fairy tales wont; happen. maybe its too early to say that, but if it does happen to me, i would maybe be the happiest man alive. i would probably forget about all these when i wake up later, so i guess it doesnt matter. but you gotta admit japanese people make really good dramas, maybe koreans are better i don't know but korean drama like to have people dying for no reason which i find it quite lame. oh well. 

im touching my diary again, as in my personal organizer to organize my unorganized life back. then i think again, even though my life is unorganized, im not doing anything anyway, well anything productive i meant.i believe there are people are working so hard for to live the life im living now ( assumption ), to do nothing at home, eat sleep and watch dramas all day long, well they are envious of my useless lifestyle but i find it rather disturbing because im envious of people who has a hectic life, working and working. well, either way i will find it a waste of time because i do nothing long enough. except for watching dramas ( especially japanese drama ). speaking of japanese, im quitting my job at the restaurant, last 3 weeks. how interesting, i can't believe its been a year since i graduated. time goes by pretty fast, i don't know if i did anything useful, thats only for people and god to judge but in my opinion all the stuff that i did was pretty useless. 

okay enough ranting today, i'll rant some other time. i want to get some sleep and maybe dream a little

but even though the surrounding keep changing, i hardly change. well, i do but perhaps i dont realize it. and when i do, its always for the worse. 

i really think my time in america  is up and i really don' want to go back. 

i think staying here is like a way of escaping from reality, i don't know why but i do feel that way. i hate being in this community, i hate being compared and i hate to be condemn. 

i hate to meet expectations and i hate to lose so badly. 

when i go through my msn list, quite a number of people well expressed their problems over their nick, some about love, some about life, some about studies, well a little of everything. when i see people talk about love on their msn, i wonder if they dont wonder about their life. what they are gonna do, what they plan to do etc. then i wonder about myself, sometimes i do think of who im gonna get married, who will be my girlfriend and how my life would be with that girl i like and so forth then bam! once i start thinking how messed up my life is, and how i dont want to fix it and leave it as it is just kill the thoughts about relationships etc. well, i guess i do think a lot. im those who think a lot yet i dont have any actions type of people. im that useless. 

i guess i am. i like to persuade people, give them advice but when it comes down to myself, i dont have the determination to handle my own problems. funny indeed, im that kind of person.  like what my mom said, im the type of people that has to been at the verge of death, then i ask for a solution and help. somehow it means, i dont think of the consequences. 

i use my emotions and i dont use my logic. my guideline to life is using my emoton to judge things,  dumb isnt it.